I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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