Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
