why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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