I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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