hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
