Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
