I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
