i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
