Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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