Where are you?
In a non slutty way
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
