Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
