Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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