Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
