I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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