I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
