why didn't you poke me back
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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