Kiss
Puke
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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