sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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