Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
