Plan B is the new Plan A
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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