My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
