my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
