I just pynch a tree in the face
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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