im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
