she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There are leaves in my underwear?
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