Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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