Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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