It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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