After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
