I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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