Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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