He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
