Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
