I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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