after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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