I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
