FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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