Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate all girls vehemently.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i think my cat just said my name.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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