you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
