I can text with my tongue
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
