i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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