speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
