i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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