I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
