Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My ass is underappreciated
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
