I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So many bounce houses so little time
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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