she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
