I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
