alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
