I want to make a zoo with you.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
